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This week has just been so hard and challenging. It's really made me think twice about how I treat others and the things I joke about, especially about life. Never again will I say the words "I wanted to shoot myself/die" Earlier this week a girl from my school got into a really bad accident that cost her life. It really did hit me hard although I wasn't very close to her nor did I even say more than a few "hello"'s, but it's just so close to home and it's been so so so hard on everyone. She was still alive after the accident but she was in a vegetated state and her parents pulled the plug yesterday afternoon... It's so heartbreaking to hear things like that because how hard is it for a parent to lose their child? I couldn't even possibly contemplate what they're feeling right now. But I guess it was all in God's hands and I truly believe that she is with Him, celebrating everyday along with Him.

Aside from that, things at home haven't really been all the great. I went to MTC (Midwest Thanksgiving Conference) with my mom and dad this past weekend and of course I was really reluctant into going because my relationship with God per se has not been strong I guess is the best way to describe it. So, the whole time I was there I wasn't really into worship, the messages, the alter calls, I just didn't feel anything when all these people are so into it. I sometimes feel a little envious of them only because I know that's something I haven't felt in such a long time. I even considered to stop being a Christian and putting everything aside and start to do things my way. But, on the last night this guy I met over the summer at another conference came up to me and said he wanted to pray for me. At first it was about furthering my "talent" to play the guitar but it soon led onto something more personal. It hit me so hard and I was just so shocked and maybe a little weirded out on how he could possibly know how to explain what I'm going through by just simplymentioning "two strings that I'm trying so hard to tie together, when they're obviously not meant to be" I couldn't hold my tears back and I just started crying and by that time he'd already finished his prayer. I gave him the biggest hug I'd ever given anyone in my life after that! One of my really close childhood friends was there and she knew we had to talk... I started to pour everything out and I was so torn when I finally let it out and I just sat and started sobbing.

I don't know... you know how it's supposed to the the "most wonderful time of the year" ? Well, that's definitely not the case this year...:(